Aside

Cancelled…

I found out initially through an Instagram post from my fertility clinic last night… this then led me to lying awake until 4 this morning, nearly, having a serious dose of “over thinking”.. You see i had it all worked out in my head.. we would go get the transfer, then according to the IVF calculator I would be due on December 4th, just in time for Christmas… my favourite holiday and first one as a family of 3… Not going to go as I planned it seems….

I tend to go full throttle when it comes to thinking/planning things… I am a disaster that way and I think that then leads me to being even more upset and disappointed than I should be as I have everything planned, from telling Leigh I was pregnant to going on holidays with a little bump to having our baby… oh did I tell you it was a girl( well in my head) . Anyway, I got a phone call this morning from the clinic to say they were cancelling all FET and fresh transfers… I get it.. Like as disappointed as I am I understand…. No point putting my unborn child at risk were this one to be successful, not with all that is going on in the world today anyway… And sure listen, I have waited this long, what’s another few months in the grand scheme of things….

Well this is what I am trying to tell myself anyway… You see today is my birthday so it wasn’t really the best birthday announcement to be given… I just feel like “when is it going to be my turn?” “When do I get to be pregnant and have a beautiful baby?” “Why me?” “Why now?” All of the thoughts were had so I had to get out of my head for a while and I did…

Mam and dad bought me a chest of drawers from Ikea that I wanted so I put my energy into making those… 3 hours it took me but it 100% kept me occupied… tomorrow I am going to help Leigh do some painting, Wednesday I’ll sort my room out and actually fill the drawer… I just gotta keep busy…

Oh an learn to cook… Leigh does all our cooking because he is so good at it but today I followed a receipt from Tom Kerridge cookbook and I did quite well if I do say so myself… A very tasty chicken and leek omelette…

Said omelette – I thought to take a pic after I had taken my portion.

So all in all a disappointing day but it will all be ok and work our for the best..

Stay safe everyone and stay sensible… xx

Aside

Day 4,003,100…..

Trying to be patient is killing me this time… I am so anxious to get the transfer done… We had our 2nd scan on Monday and my lining was thicker than it’s ever been and has a lovely triple layer(I’m told)so I’m hoping this is a good start… my cervical mucas has changed to a very sticky egg like consistency(I know possibly TMI lol) which the nurse says is great, so I am very hopeful that it is a case of third time lucky…

The one thing that has me so anxious is that the transfer will be cancelled due to the covid virus… Or that I will get it and have to cancel it… I just have such a good feeling about this time, maybe I am being too hopeful possibly naive, but I really hope this is the one…

I started the progesterone injections yesterday and ouch… I have taken so many different types of injections over the course of all of this and they were fine, I don’t mind needles at all, but these hurt, not the injection itself but the injection site after feels like a bruise and I didn’t get this previously… I don’t know maybe I’m doing it wrong… Leigh was here the last time to help me but is away with work the last 2 days so maybe I just need him to do it properly… who knows…

My friend text the other day too… she is going through IVF also.. she has a low AMH so she is currently on her gonal trying to stimulate her ovaries. She told me her first scan she had 6 follicles which she was told is good for someone with a low ovarian reserve… I told her all you need is one good one… I hope it works out for her… I know she is feeling the stress and is on the rollercoaster with me… however we would both like to get off please….!!!!!

Anyway transfer day has been scheduled for Wednesday the 18th so light a candle for me and say a prayer this works…

First scan done

First scan done

Today I had my first scan to see how thick the lining was..: it was 6mm today so as I expected I am back in another week. My fematab dosage has increased from 3mg to 5mg… I also walked into the clinic today expecting everyone to be wearing masks due to the ol coronavirus

I have had so many scans that I have lost count but today’s one I didn’t like… like I know what I have to do and listen you can’t really be too worried about anyone seeing your bits, it is what it is so just get your knickers off, lie on the bed and cover whatever bit of modesty you can with the large paper tissue, however this time, I didn’t get anything to cover myself up… so it was legs in the stirrups and just get one with it… the scan itself was really uncomfortable and actually hurt this time and then when it was done I was even given tissue to wipe myself down from the gel… not that I enjoy the appointments but I definitely did not enjoy this one….!

We also went with the embryo glue for this round… I’m not sure if it will help. I know there have been studies completed on it but there is no conclusive evidence that it actually works but once it doesn’t hurt then why not… I’m throwing the kitchen sink at it this time…

I’m unsure of how I feel about the nurse who did the scan… I have had her a few times and she is a lovely person but there is something about her that I just can’t take to her. Like don’t get me wrong she is ,usually, great at her job she just missed a few things today and she is always smiling and happy but I don’t know, there is just something about her I don’t like…

Yesterday was a weird day too.. I was most certainly in a funk..: it was one of those days where I didn’t want to be around anybody but I also wanted leigh to just cuddle me all day… I just felt meh…! He was hungover so it was a great excuse to eat my feelings… McDonalds for lunch and pizza for dinner and all the sweets and crisps in between… And here was me thinking the drugs didn’t affect me in the other cycles… I clearly just blocked it all out…

Anyway today was a good day and I just got to try not wish the next week away and just try enjoy each day….